I Thought I Was Protecting Them — But I Was Protecting Myself from Their Feelings
I used to tell myself I was protecting my kids.
When I ignored their tears, I thought I was teaching them toughness. When I silenced their anger, I thought I was guiding them toward self-control.
But years later, I realized something harder:
I wasn’t protecting them from their feelings. I was protecting myself.
From discomfort. From fear. From memories I hadn’t dealt with.
That’s the truth most emotionally distant parents don’t want to face — not because we’re cruel, but because we’re wounded.
Today, let’s talk about how shutting down our children’s emotions often reflects our own emotional unhealed pain — and what to do to change that.
Why Emotions Feel Threatening to Parents
Many of us grew up in homes where emotions were unsafe.
Crying was weakness. Anger was rebellion. Fear was shameful.
So we learned to suppress, mask, distract, avoid.
And then one day, we became parents… And our children came to us with big, raw, honest feelings.
And those feelings felt like… too much.
So we said:
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “Stop being dramatic.”
- “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
Not because we didn’t care. But because we didn’t know how to feel it with them.
Emotional Avoidance Is Learned — But Can Be Unlearned
Here’s the good news: Avoiding emotions isn’t who you are. It’s what you were taught.
You can unlearn it. You can choose to respond differently.
But first, we have to admit that their feelings are not the problem. Our discomfort is.
When your child is crying, angry, scared — they’re doing exactly what they’re supposed to do. They’re expressing.
When we shut them down, we’re not regulating them — we’re regulating ourselves.
Because their tears poke our pain. Their fear mirrors our own. Their anger reminds us of what we buried long ago.
What Happens When We Shut Emotions Down
Children learn fast. If their feelings are consistently dismissed or punished, they adapt.
They become:
- People-pleasers
- Emotional bottlers
- Apologizers for having needs
They carry the unspoken message:
“Feeling deeply is unsafe. I must hide who I am to be loved.”
And then — like us — they grow up emotionally distant, afraid to connect, scared to be vulnerable.
The cycle continues… unless we break it.
How to Let Your Child Feel (Without Losing Yourself)
Here’s how we start making space for emotions — theirs, and ours:
1. Breathe before you respond
When your child is upset, pause. Feel the reaction rise in you. Don’t act from it. Just notice it.
“This is hard. But I can stay.”
2. Validate, even if you don’t agree
“That looks like it really hurt. I can see why you’d be upset.”
Validation doesn’t mean approval — it means presence.
3. Don’t rush to fix
Our instinct is to solve. But often, what they need most is someone to feel it with them.
“I’m here. You’re not alone in this.”
4. Talk about your own feelings
Model emotional honesty.
“I’m feeling a little overwhelmed too. Let’s sit together until it passes.”
You don’t have to be perfect. Just real.
If You Were Emotionally Dismissed as a Child…
This part is for you.
If no one ever stayed with your sadness… If no one taught you how to process anger, grief, or fear… Then I want you to hear this:
It wasn’t your fault.
You deserved tenderness. You deserved presence. You deserved someone who could say:
“Your feelings make sense. I’m here with you.”
You didn’t get that. But now, you have the chance to give it — to your child, and to yourself.
It starts with staying present when you’d rather run. With breathing when you’d rather shut down. With saying:
“This feeling is uncomfortable… and I’m still here.”
Final Words from Grandpa Eli
I spent too many years confusing strength with stoicism. But now I know:
The bravest thing a parent can do is to stay with a child’s feelings — without trying to silence or fix them.
Feelings aren’t problems. They’re portals — to connection, understanding, and healing.
If you missed this when your child was young, it’s not too late. Even grown children still long to hear:
“I see how much that hurt. I wish I’d known how to hold space for you. I want to try now.”
So let’s stop running from our children’s feelings. Let’s stop running from our own.
And maybe, just maybe… we’ll all feel a little less alone.
— Grandpa Eli