From a Child Just Trying to Survive
Dear Grandpa Eli,
I don’t know where to begin, because inside me feels like a tangled mess of ropes. I’ve tried to stay quiet, but every night I lie awake, choking on my own tears. I’m writing this letter because I don’t know who else I can talk to.
Grandpa, why do people hurt each other?
Why did my mom and dad choose to unleash their anger on me?
I tried to be good. I tried not to be a burden, not to upset anyone…
But the more I tried, the more I seemed to disappear.
I’m so tired, Grandpa.
Every time my mother screams, or my father breaks things, I get so scared I can’t breathe. I curl up like a shadow, waiting for the storm to pass. But sometimes… it doesn’t. Sometimes the storm stays, like a dark cloud that eats away at me, piece by piece.
There were moments I thought… maybe if I disappeared, everyone would feel lighter.
Maybe I’m the problem. Maybe I’m the reason they’re always so angry or sad.
People always say: “It’s not the child’s fault.”
But Grandpa… why do I still feel like it’s mine?
I used to believe that if I tried harder—if I got better grades, if I behaved more perfectly—my parents would love me more. But the older I get, the more I realize…
Love doesn’t come from how much I try.
And that thought breaks me.
I don’t know who to trust anymore.
I don’t trust grown-ups.
I don’t trust family.
I don’t even trust myself.
But Grandpa Eli…
I still want to trust you.
You’re like the light at the end of a dark alley, where I can finally stop and breathe for a moment. I’m writing this letter in hopes you’ll tell me that…
It wasn’t my fault.
I didn’t deserve any of it.
I still matter, even if I was ignored, yelled at, or forgotten.
Please tell me, in that warm voice of yours, like a soft summer breeze:
“You were not the reason adults hurt you.”
“You deserve love.”
“You can forgive yourself and begin again.”
Grandpa, I long for a hug.
For someone to sit beside me—not to scold, not to lecture—but just to listen and not walk away.
I don’t know if tomorrow will be any better,
but today, at least I said what I’ve been holding in for so long.
Thank you for reading this.
From the child who once thought they were the problem,
Your Grandchild 🧸